So, I have reached the midway point of my first semester as
a senior in college and now it is time to start really thinking about my
future. Where do I want to go after graduation? Do I want to get a masters
degree or just straight into the work force? Where do I want to live? Do I want
to take a huge chance and move away from my family? There are just so many
questions floating around in my head right now that they are all I think about.
For two years I have had my eyes set on going to Georgetown
University in Washington D.C. I have had this vision of a small town girl
moving to a huge city and just taking a leap of faith out of my comfort zone.
And, honestly, a huge part of me still wants to do that. But the other part is terrified!
I have never lived outside of Alabama. I am from an
extremely small town. So small where if you sneezed, the whole town will say,
“Bless you”. Everyone knows everyone, and Friday night football is a town event
that you don’t miss. And even though there are parts about a small town that I
absolutely hate, there are a lot of things that I do like. But I know that I
have outgrown my small town. I feel like I’m stuck, or suffocating, because
nothing ever changes in the town. Every year is on repeat from the year before.
I want adventure and new experiences, but I am terrified to
take that leap. Moving to D.C. would be the biggest risk that I have taken my
whole life. How do you know that you are ready to leave your comfort zone, or
your family, your support system? Family is HUGE in the South! Moving to D.C.
will keep me from seeing my family as much as I’m use to. Although I know I
have my families support to follow my dreams, wherever they may lead, I don’t
know if I can move that far away from them. Can I? Even with all these doubts
running around in my head I feel like there is something pulling me to D.C.
Even if I don’t move to D.C. I know that I don’t want to
live in Alabama the rest of my life. I feel like there is so much, in the U.S.
alone, that I want to see and experience.
Another thing that I think might be holding me back is my
relationship. I know that he doesn’t want to move to D.C. He would rather stay
in the South, and don’t get me wrong, the South is a great place to live. But
once again, I want to go somewhere else. I have been here my whole life. There
are 39 other states that I haven’t been to yet. The ones that I have visited
have only been for a short period of time.
In May of 2013 I took a trip to Washington D.C. and spent a
week exploring the tourist landmarks and doing the tourist thing. I even took a
train to Maryland. I felt like there is so much that I am missing out on in not
just D.C. but the rest of the country, and even more, I feel like I am missing
out on seeing the world.
There are so many things in life that I want to do and see,
and I want to do and see them with him. But I am not sure that he wants the
same. For almost a decade we have basically planned our lives around each
other. For basically half of my life I have envisioned marrying this man. I
know that when we grow up that parts of us change, we want different things
than what we wanted five, ten, years ago. Have I grown so much that I want
something completely different? Have I grown into someone completely different?
Am I the same person that he fell in love with? Would I be able to leave him in
the South if he doesn’t want to move? Is there a compromise that can be
reached? If there is a compromise, does that mean that I’ll have to compromise
for the rest of my life? Will he resent me if we move?
There are so many questions!
How does one face all of these questions? How does one find
the answers to all of these questions? How does one find the courage to ask
these questions?
I close my eyes at night and see fork in the forest. I see
one life that I have been visioning for almost ten years. I see the life that I
have always pictured with him. I see us moving to another city, getting really
good jobs, him proposing, our wedding, his face lighting up when I tell him
that I’m pregnant, us growing old together and him still making fun of my small
hands and my “cute nose”. I see our whole life together.
Then there is the other road. On that road I see me moving
to an unfamiliar city where I don’t know anyone. I see me moving to a city in
which no one knows me. I see me living in a tiny apartment because it’s all I
can afford. But I also see me taking walks around the city and then suddenly
that unfamiliar city doesn’t seem so unfamiliar anymore.
Both roads are filled with obstacles in the way. There is no
clear choice in this decision. Trust me, if there was then I wouldn’t be typing
this. Hell, I don’t really even know why I am typing this in the first place. It’s
therapeutic, I guess.
Even with all of these decisions that I am being faced with,
I know I will be ok. My mother raised a strong, independent woman. But right
now, that woman is confused and scared. And all she can keep asking herself,
more than any other question, is what if she choses wrong? What if she makes
the wrong decision?
