Decisions, decisions, decisions. How do you know you made the right choice?

So, I have reached the midway point of my first semester as a senior in college and now it is time to start really thinking about my future. Where do I want to go after graduation? Do I want to get a masters degree or just straight into the work force? Where do I want to live? Do I want to take a huge chance and move away from my family? There are just so many questions floating around in my head right now that they are all I think about.

For two years I have had my eyes set on going to Georgetown University in Washington D.C. I have had this vision of a small town girl moving to a huge city and just taking a leap of faith out of my comfort zone. And, honestly, a huge part of me still wants to do that. But the other part is terrified!

I have never lived outside of Alabama. I am from an extremely small town. So small where if you sneezed, the whole town will say, “Bless you”. Everyone knows everyone, and Friday night football is a town event that you don’t miss. And even though there are parts about a small town that I absolutely hate, there are a lot of things that I do like. But I know that I have outgrown my small town. I feel like I’m stuck, or suffocating, because nothing ever changes in the town. Every year is on repeat from the year before.

I want adventure and new experiences, but I am terrified to take that leap. Moving to D.C. would be the biggest risk that I have taken my whole life. How do you know that you are ready to leave your comfort zone, or your family, your support system? Family is HUGE in the South! Moving to D.C. will keep me from seeing my family as much as I’m use to. Although I know I have my families support to follow my dreams, wherever they may lead, I don’t know if I can move that far away from them. Can I? Even with all these doubts running around in my head I feel like there is something pulling me to D.C.

Even if I don’t move to D.C. I know that I don’t want to live in Alabama the rest of my life. I feel like there is so much, in the U.S. alone, that I want to see and experience.

Another thing that I think might be holding me back is my relationship. I know that he doesn’t want to move to D.C. He would rather stay in the South, and don’t get me wrong, the South is a great place to live. But once again, I want to go somewhere else. I have been here my whole life. There are 39 other states that I haven’t been to yet. The ones that I have visited have only been for a short period of time.

In May of 2013 I took a trip to Washington D.C. and spent a week exploring the tourist landmarks and doing the tourist thing. I even took a train to Maryland. I felt like there is so much that I am missing out on in not just D.C. but the rest of the country, and even more, I feel like I am missing out on seeing the world.

There are so many things in life that I want to do and see, and I want to do and see them with him. But I am not sure that he wants the same. For almost a decade we have basically planned our lives around each other. For basically half of my life I have envisioned marrying this man. I know that when we grow up that parts of us change, we want different things than what we wanted five, ten, years ago. Have I grown so much that I want something completely different? Have I grown into someone completely different? Am I the same person that he fell in love with? Would I be able to leave him in the South if he doesn’t want to move? Is there a compromise that can be reached? If there is a compromise, does that mean that I’ll have to compromise for the rest of my life? Will he resent me if we move?

There are so many questions!

How does one face all of these questions? How does one find the answers to all of these questions? How does one find the courage to ask these questions?

I close my eyes at night and see fork in the forest. I see one life that I have been visioning for almost ten years. I see the life that I have always pictured with him. I see us moving to another city, getting really good jobs, him proposing, our wedding, his face lighting up when I tell him that I’m pregnant, us growing old together and him still making fun of my small hands and my “cute nose”. I see our whole life together.

Then there is the other road. On that road I see me moving to an unfamiliar city where I don’t know anyone. I see me moving to a city in which no one knows me. I see me living in a tiny apartment because it’s all I can afford. But I also see me taking walks around the city and then suddenly that unfamiliar city doesn’t seem so unfamiliar anymore.

Both roads are filled with obstacles in the way. There is no clear choice in this decision. Trust me, if there was then I wouldn’t be typing this. Hell, I don’t really even know why I am typing this in the first place. It’s therapeutic, I guess.

Even with all of these decisions that I am being faced with, I know I will be ok. My mother raised a strong, independent woman. But right now, that woman is confused and scared. And all she can keep asking herself, more than any other question, is what if she choses wrong? What if she makes the wrong decision?

Are all the good men gone?

Television shows are designed to suck you in, that is, if they are designed well. Writers, directors, and actors all come together to form a television show so that everyone can take time out of their day and live vicariously through a fictional world.

The great shows are the ones where you become boarder line obsessed with the show and its characters, same goes for reading books. Both are a way to escape from your reality, even if it is only a short thirty minute TV show, or a however long it takes you to read the book.

People like me, well we become fully immersed in the stories and plots; we familiarize ourselves with the characters. We remember the characters fictional birthday, or where they fall in love with their perfect significant other. For me, I like dramatic stories. I guess you could say dramatic romances.

I carry myself like a strong woman who doesn’t need a man to live a happy life, or anyone’s help for that matter. Yet, I like watching the shows where there is a damsel in distress, or where the man is the lead in the relationship. Now don’t get me wrong, I love it when there is a good, strong, female lead that can kick some ass, especially in movies. I usually leave the theater thinking that I could be like her. I feel like I am strong, independent, and able to kick some ass, but that feeling fades after a few minutes. I return to reality.

I know that what we see on the screen, or on the pages of a book, is just fictional; but for a short period of time I get to escape from the reality that is my life. Yet, I still find myself wanting that epic love and romance that the female leads get in the shows.

I want a man to be so in love with me that he can’t think straight. I want a man who sends me flowers just because and not because it’s a fictional holiday that was created by Hallmark, AKA Valentines Day. I want a man who takes me on spontaneous trips, even if it’s just a walk in the woods. I want a man who wants to tell his friends about this great girl that somehow fell in love with him. I want a man to think that he doesn’t deserve me, because then you know that he does. I want a man who doesn’t promise not to hurt me, but tries his hardest not to. I want a man that is there for me when I need to cry and helps pick up the pieces when I break. Hell, I want to be able to feel comfortable crying in front of him.

Yea, I know I sound crazy and pathetic but it’s the truth. Is it really that dramatic for me to want those things in life and in a man? Are there any men out there who still do things like that? Or are all the good men gone? And just like everything else extinct, are they gone forever? Do they really only exist in the history books of romance novels and dramatic TV shows and movies?

Equality for all!

The civil rights movement was decades ago, or so the history books claim. They tell us that it’s over. That everyone is equal. They want us to believe in the façade that everyone is happy and getting along, or that we all love each other. Well I don’t buy it.

Given that we, as a country, have come a long way in the fight for equality. There are still people who believe that we have a way to go. I am one of those people. I’m only 22 years old but I had a mother who taught me that not all of the history is in out history textbooks in school. Well, she was right.

Growing up in the country of Alabama, I found out at a very young age that racism is still very much alive. There are some people, even some that are related to me, that think that they are superior to the African Americans, or any other race for that matter. I come from Native American and Irish family, but if you look at me I look like I am just white. (Most people think that Native Americans are an extinct race)

Based on what I look like on the outside, my skin color mostly, I know I get treated differently than someone who might have a darker pigmentation. That is the sad truth. I’m not proud of it. I hate it actually. I was raised to love everyone, not matter his or her skin color. Everyone is a person and they bled and feel pain just like I do. We are all humans. So, why do other people choose to not see that?

I have an aunt and uncle who are openly racist and as much as I hate that fact, they are family. Were suppose to love our family right? But how can I love them, when they are disrespectful towards another race; a race that I find myself dating members of. For the past seven years I have dated predominantly African American men. One of which is the only man that I have met that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. He is a man that I can see myself settling down and starting a family with. He is a man that I love.

But how can I love him and my racist family members at the same time?

Families are suppose to support each other and be happy for each other when they find the other person in this world that they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Why can’t my family be that way? Instead of supporting me, and my decisions, they openly tell me that he is not good for me based of nothing other than his skin color.

They have been very vocal about me not bringing him around and that they think that all he will ever give me is heartache and pain. Yet, all he has ever said about it is “It is ok. All that matters to me is how you feel about me and about us.”

Interracial relationships are becoming more and more accepted into every day America, and honestly that fact makes me really happy. Yet, there are still those people who look at us funny, or boldly tell us that we are going to Hell because of the color of our partners skin. There is just so much hate in the world that being able to say that you are in love with someone, and that they feel the same way, is something that is nothing short of a miracle.

I hope that one-day when I have kids that they will not have to experience the racist remarks of strangers, or worse, family members. Cause let me tell you from experience, it really sucks. I have always thought of my family as understanding and open, but as I grow up I realize that the world is full of hateful people. I just never thought that I could be related to them.

The civil rights movement has not ended. We are not all equal. Yes, we have come a long way from the 1960’s and previous years, but we still have miles and miles to go. I just hope that more of America will stop allowing our “history books” to brain wash them and realize the ugly truth of the fact that inequality still exist. I hope that more people, of all races, stand up and finish the fight that our ancestors started years ago.

An elderly African American woman once asked me, “Why do you care? Why are you fighting for us? You’re white.” I bent down to look at her, grabbed her hand, and said, “Because you are worth it. This fight is worth it. Equality is worth it.” The look in her eyes and the tear that fell down her cheek is a look I will never forget.

Grown

I had a rough childhood

Back in the trailer park

Between my dad on drugs

And watching my family fall apart

It was then that I learned

That I had to be strong

For my mother and my brother

Against anyone whom did us wrong

We were the three amigos

It was us against the world

But the one thing I never got

Was to be daddy’s little girl

Graham is my last name

This much is true

But I am a Guthrie

Through and through

We all have regret

Tis just a simple fact

Some regret the things that the wish they had done

Other just regret how they act

My biggest regret in life?

Now that’s a tough question

I regret a lot of things

But most of all my aggression

Guess the Graham blood

Runs deeper than I thought

However I have never lost a battle

Yet, happiness was not brought

But, My anger and strength

Are just two tools of my trade

They are more deadly

Than any blade

No matter how much

I hate to be mad

Piss me off

Well, now, that would be bad.

Actually, I take it back,

I regret nothing

My past is what made me

From nothing to something

People think that

With anger come hate

However, I embrace my anger

And I feel great!

I show no pain

Because it is not there

I no longer hide

I just simply don’t care

Now don’t get me wrong

I still have feelings

Im just tired of hiding

No more kneeling

No more answering

To people who command

No more hiding

Im taking a stand

Take this as you may

A warning perhaps

Cross me in any way

And ill give my dog your scraps

If you like me to elaborate

Im easy to find

Come say hey

And maybe ill be kind

This is the real me

Its time for it to be known

That scared little girl

Well now she’s all grown.

The Mask

This is my life.

Well at least a part of it

I was raised to be strong

And win at everything I did.

I am a happy person

Well, at least most days

But then the dark rolls in

And I feel like im stuck in a daze

Perfect has never been a word

To describe my life

Sharp words of hate and anger

Still cut me like a knife.

But as the words continued to come

My skin grew. Thicker. Stronger.

Until the words of hate and anger

Hurt no longer.

But that is just the outside.

What you see is a mask

I am forced to hide my pain

Forever my task

This is my life.

No pain can be shown.

Pain means weak, and in my world

The word weak is not known.

Behind this mask

Is where I have lived for so long

Waiting and hoping

For someone to come along

Some one to see past

This mask that I wear

See the scared little girl

And for her they would care

This is a fantasy

Nothing but a dream

You wont neither see nor hear anything

From the girl behind the mask

Not a laugh

Not a cry

Not even a scream

The mask is my wall

My way of protection

From the lies of the world

Coming from all directions

So for that reason alone

Behind this mask

Is where ill forever

Call home.