Questions

Have you ever thought about what people will say when you’re gone? If you were to die today, what would people say about you? What will people remember about you? Will it be your personality, your selflessness? Or will it be negative? Were you selfish, and always mean? What legacy are you leaving behind? Would anyone want to remember you?

These are the questions I keep asking myself.

What kind of person am I?

Am I a good person? I don’t seem to have a lot of friends. I have one person outside of my family that I know I can count on, and she lives in states away. If I were a better person, wouldn’t I have more friends?

If you look at my life from a stranger’s point of view you would think that I have a lot of friends. I am always talking to people. Smiling. Laughing. But the truth is that those are not my real friends. Those are acquaintances. A lot of people are unaware of the difference between friends and acquaintances.

Friends are the people in your life that you know would be there for you no matter what. No matter the time of day, or where they are, they would drop whatever they were doing to come and help you out.

Acquaintances are the people who will help you, if it’s either A) your last option, B) convenient for them. I have a lot of acquaintances. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think for a second that these people consider me a true friend. I know I am an acquaintance of theirs and I am ok with that.

But out of all the people I know, who will truly remember me? What will they remember me for? Will it be something I did for them, or will it be something negative?

What will be my legacy?

I am 22 years old. What have I accomplished in my short life? Sure, I was a zookeeper at a young age, but I don’t feel as though any of my ex co-workers would even come to my funeral. Given I was there for a short period of time, I would like to think I was memorable, and at least worth being remembered.

What about my college friends?

People at my school know me as a blunt bitch who speaks her mind. Even though I would tell you I find it flattering when people call me a bitch, is that what people will remember about me? That I was mean, or a bitch who wasn’t afraid to hurt your feelings?

A lot of people would say, “If you don’t want to be seen as a bitch, then don’t be one.”

Easier said than done. I have no reason to sugar coat my feelings, or thoughts, that being the reason why I am so blunt. If that makes me a bitch, then so be it. But that’s not who I am. I am a nice, caring, and passionate person. Or so I would like to think.

I act like I don’t care about what people say about me, but it really does matter. I act tough because I cant stand the thought of thinking im weak. I refuse to be weak. My whole life I felt weak. I cared too much about what people thought about me. I wanted to be popular, and have everyone like me. Well when that didn’t happen in high school, I decided that when I got to college I wouldn’t be a push over, or care if anyone liked me.

I hid behind being a bitch. I suppressed my the part of me who cared about anyone other than my immediate family, and myself.

Then I got really sick this past summer. I wont get into the details but while I was sick I started thinking about what would happen if I died. Out of all the people I know, who would miss me?

Last spring Troy University lost four fellow Trojans. All of them were from different walks of life, hung out with different crowds. After everyone at Troy heard about them dying, Troy banned together and held a memorial for them. They will be remembered. The whole school knows their names. What if that was me?

Do I have to die alongside fellow Trojans to be remembered?

Do I have to die tragically?

Now this all may sound very egotistical, but I want to be remembered for something positive.

I want to be remembered by more than just my family. I want to make an impact on this world. I want my life to mean something.

I don’t know what I want to be remembered for, but I know that its not that I was always a bitch.

Being a bitch to everyone, and putting walls up that no one can break down is very depressing, and lonely. I want to have more than one real friend. But I have now lived this life so long, and I have gotten so comfortable behind these walls that I don’t know how to change and bring them down. I am afraid of going back to the girl I was in high school. I don’t want to let myself be that naïve girl who wants to be every ones friend.

I don’t know how to find a happy medium between the two people. This is something I guess I will have to figure out. Some how.

But if you are still reading this, I want you to think about the type of person you are. What do you think you will be remembered for? Who will remember you? If you are happy with who you see in the mirror, I envy you. If you are not, then I challenge you. Try and become someone you would be proud of. This a challenge I am also issuing to myself because you never know how much time you have.