Where is the romance?

Hello readers,

Like a lot of females, I watch romantic movies and read romance novels. Ever since I was little I have dreamed of having a relationship like my grandparents. Every summer my brother and I would stay with them during the day while my parents were at work. While I was there, I would watch my grandparents interact with each other and it was during those times that I learned what love was. It was the kind of love that you see in the movies or read about in books. I call it the “forever love” because it is the kind of love that last forever.

I, like hundreds of other little girls, have always wanted to experience that type of love. The love that changes your whole world and how you view life in general. Needless to say I am a hopeless romantic. However, as I have gotten older I have noticed that romance is slowly dying. That there are fewer and fewer people that are interested in having romance in their relationships. Or, better yet, their definition of romance has changed from that of our parents, or grandparents.

Our generation has even developed a new type of relationship. We call them, “stiuationships”. I know, sounds funny, right? Let me define this new term for you. A “situationship” is where two people do all the things that most couples do, such as dates, sleeping over at each others houses, or buying each other stuff for holidays and birthdays, however, the difference is that they do not put a title to their relationship. Meaning that in their mind, they are really still single and open to see whomever else they please.

The Urban Dictionary defines a “situationship” as, “A relationship that has no label on it. [It is] like a friendship but more than a friendship but not quite a relationship.” They go on to say that it is basically a progression from the classic “friends with benefits” title.

I have found that more and more people in our generation have accepted this a healthy relationship due to the fact that it doesn’t hold someone back from seeing another person or having other sexual encounters with other people. People in todays society feel as though if they don’t fully commit to the relationship by putting a “dating” title on their relationship that they can get away with not being fully invested in the relationship. For example, they feel as though they don’t have to go out on romantic dates, or take time out of their lives to meet each other families. They can just get away with hanging out with each other every now and then and maybe going out to eat at a fast food place once or twice a week.

Is there a such thing as a relationship anymore, or have we all be brainwashed to believe that situationships are an acceptable replacement? I have done my fair share of dating. I’ve dated guys who wouldn’t let me hangout with any of my other guy friends due to insecurity, and I have dated guys who couldn’t care less if I was constantly surrounded by guys, whether they were attractive or not. And looking back, I believe that I, myself, have been in a “situationship”.

Is this new type of relationship the new normal? In a world where hooking up with the guy you just met is socially acceptable, I would have to say that it is. But how did it become that way? Where did the romance go? There is no romance in “situationships”. Its primarily just about hooking up and hanging out. A glorified friend with benefits, if you will. Why is this the normal now? Does this generation not believe in commitment? Or, are we just scared of it? Are we scared that commitment just leads to broken hearts, or promises?

In a world where the 50% of all marriages end in divorces, I don’t blame us for not believing in marriage, let alone commitment. The majority of our generation probably came from a broken home, or never saw what a healthy relationship looked like. Not to say that it our parents fault, because it’s not. My parents got divorced when I was around six. So, I know what it is like to grow up with your parents not together. However, here I am, 23-years-old and still believing in love and romance.

It is because of my romantic ideas that I think it is hard for me to find the right guy. One of my guy friends once said that if a girl says that she expect romance then she must be high maintenance. I told him that I couldn’t disagree more and here is why. (Disclaimer, I do not speak for every woman.)

Romance can be shown or given in several different ways. For example, as much as I like getting all dressed up and taken to a fancy restaurant for dinner, I find watching movies and eating pizza can be just as romantic, if not more. To me, it is all about the context in which the date is presented. If my boyfriend comes over with a stack of movies, pizza in his hand, and a smile on his face, I find that more romantic than if he takes me to a fancy restaurant and is obviously not feeling the whole fancy thing. Which, ladies, most guys don’t like fancy restaurants.

To me, romance isn’t about how much you spend on your girl, it’s about how much time you spend with her.

Most females just want to know that their man cares. It can be as simple as sending her a text saying that you miss her or that you were thinking about her. Or, it can be as expensive as you want. There are a lot things that you can do to show your woman that you care and that you love her.

One thing that my grand-daddy once told me was, “A man can have a lot of hobbies, but making grand-mom happy is my favorite thing to do.”

Our generation is what is going to give birth to the next one. So, once we have kids, make sure to raise them to be kind, loving, and maybe instill in them a little romance. Love is a beautiful thing, and romance is just the beginning.

Vulnerability

Hello readers,

For the eight months I have been doing some in depth “soul searching”. I started this journey because I looked in the mirror one day and I didn’t recognize who was staring back at me. I have always been a private person as far as my feelings go, although you would never know it if you actually meet me.

On the outside I look like I am always happy. I look like I got life figured out, or that I have no worries. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth some days. I hate people seeing me vulnerable. People, now a days, take advantage of people. People are mean. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s the truth.

I was raised to never show weakness or pain. Pain means weak and in my family the word weak is not used. Literally. We are strong, independent, warriors that never let people bother us. I come from a middle-class family. I was raised by a single mom and a father who showed up every now and then. I lived in a trailer for the majority of my life. Got bullied in school. Same story a lot of people have. I’m not ashamed of my childhood, or past, because its what made me to the person I am today.

My family is a tough and military bred. Being the only female in my generation until I was 8, I was raised with my male cousins and older brother. I never got to be a girl for real. I was always trying to be like them. Tough. Adventurous. But boys that age don’t want to hang out with girls. So I started trying to be tougher than them so I could intimidate them into hanging out with me. By intimidate I mean bully. But it didn’t work. I wasn’t tough as a kid.

So, while my brother had all the friends I was sitting in the background figuring out how I can trick myself into not crying. I have become really good at not crying in front of people. I have never gotten along with other females. I can honestly say that I have tried. But it has never worked out for me. I was too girly for the boys, and not girly enough for the other girls. So, from a young age I learned how to hide behind a mask of fake happiness.

I sat by myself all through out elementary school, middle school, and for the majority of high school. Even in college I find myself more alone than not. Now, I had the occasional friend(s) throughout my lifetime. But, like I said before, none of them lasted very long. One day we would be great and then the next day they don’t want to talk to me anymore. Yea, I take the blame for some of them. I know I’m not perfect.  

Other times I am still confused as to what happened. But here I am 22-years-old and I cant think of more than two people who actually fall under the true definition of a friend. Is that sad?

Some people say that I am mean. But if you really get to know me then you know I’m actually a really nice person who just wants to be liked, but I’m not going to walk around asking people to like me. I know that some of the reason why people think that I am mean is because I look like, or act like I don’t care about other people or other things. Which sometimes is true. That is just how I work. I compartmentalize my feelings. At least that is how I choose to see it. But in reality, I know that I hide behind a wall of numbness. I put this figurative wall there so that I can live my life without having to deal with the pain that comes along with reality. Although the pain still gets to me, I refuse to show it. 

I have always thought that if I stayed behind this wall that I can avoid most of the pain, or disappointment, that comes with being a part of this world. Sounds lonely, doesn’t it? Well, it is most days. I thought that keeping the wall up would only protect me from the pain, but I never thought that it would keep away the love and friendships that come along with this life. I always thought that the people who are suppose to be in my life would be able to break down the wall. But, it seems that I was either wrong or that I built a wall that no amount of love or compassion could penetrate.

I am aware that living this way is unhealthy and that in the long run, compressing my feelings will only hurt me more. However, even with knowing this, I can’t find it in myself to allow myself to show weakness, or at least what I consider to be weakness. Sometimes when I feel like I need to cry I hide in my room, behind my walls, and cry by myself. Other times, I can’t even bring myself to do that. Most of the time I swallow my tears and smile because it’s easier, at least to me anyway.

I have lived my whole life feeling numb. When I feel like the reality of my life is too much for me to bear. I’ll read a romance novel and picture my life like it is written on the page. I picture my perfect man showering me with love and romance and I picture my perfect life with him. Then, when the book is over, I am reintroduced to my reality. I come back to my life behind my walls.

But how does one remove a wall that has been there for most of their lives?

How does someone learn to be vulnerable when they have spent their whole life making sure that they aren’t seen that way?

I have been hiding behind this wall for so long that I don’t remember what it feels like not to have it up.

My therapist says that talking about it is the first step. So I guess that is what I am doing now. I mean, lets be honest, I know that there aren’t a lot of people who will read this. There are even fewer who would actually care about me, or my struggles, in life. Everyone has something that they are dealing with. Some people wear their problems on their sleeve. Other, like me, hide behind a wall curled up in a corner crying because loneliness hurts more than reality some days.

Thanks for reading,

Sarah~Beth

To my readers,

Hello everyone,

So, I was looking at the stats on how many people read my blog and where they are from today and needless to say, the results surprised me. I have had readers from not only the United States but also from Russia, Germany, Indonesia, Czech Republic, Netherlands, Armenia, Australia, Cyprus, and the United Kingdom.

That just amazes me that that many people, from that many different countries, have taken the time out of their day/night to read what I write on my blog. I know that I don’t write very often, but when I do I hope that someone else out there can take something positive away after reading my post.

The main reason why I started “Life of a Leo” is because the world can feel so lonely sometimes. Even though there are billions of people on this planet, some how it can feel like no one else is going through, or understands, what you are going through. So I started this blog about my personal life to let people out there know, that there is someone else out there that knows what you’re going though, someone who has been through it and came out of it as a stronger person.

Everyone has battles that they fight daily. Everyone has things that they wish they could say, but cant find the words. I know I do. So I write about my problems and personal battles on here to let people know that it’s ok to not have everything together.

Regardless of the battle that you are facing, be strong and know that I am rooting for you and that I know you can do it! I know that you can win and come out as a stronger person!

I also just want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blogs and I would love to hear your thoughts about it. You can email me at chekotaqueen@gmail.com!

I hope to hear from you and hope that you have an amazing day!

Your friend,

Sarah~Beth

Decisions, decisions, decisions. How do you know you made the right choice?

So, I have reached the midway point of my first semester as a senior in college and now it is time to start really thinking about my future. Where do I want to go after graduation? Do I want to get a masters degree or just straight into the work force? Where do I want to live? Do I want to take a huge chance and move away from my family? There are just so many questions floating around in my head right now that they are all I think about.

For two years I have had my eyes set on going to Georgetown University in Washington D.C. I have had this vision of a small town girl moving to a huge city and just taking a leap of faith out of my comfort zone. And, honestly, a huge part of me still wants to do that. But the other part is terrified!

I have never lived outside of Alabama. I am from an extremely small town. So small where if you sneezed, the whole town will say, “Bless you”. Everyone knows everyone, and Friday night football is a town event that you don’t miss. And even though there are parts about a small town that I absolutely hate, there are a lot of things that I do like. But I know that I have outgrown my small town. I feel like I’m stuck, or suffocating, because nothing ever changes in the town. Every year is on repeat from the year before.

I want adventure and new experiences, but I am terrified to take that leap. Moving to D.C. would be the biggest risk that I have taken my whole life. How do you know that you are ready to leave your comfort zone, or your family, your support system? Family is HUGE in the South! Moving to D.C. will keep me from seeing my family as much as I’m use to. Although I know I have my families support to follow my dreams, wherever they may lead, I don’t know if I can move that far away from them. Can I? Even with all these doubts running around in my head I feel like there is something pulling me to D.C.

Even if I don’t move to D.C. I know that I don’t want to live in Alabama the rest of my life. I feel like there is so much, in the U.S. alone, that I want to see and experience.

Another thing that I think might be holding me back is my relationship. I know that he doesn’t want to move to D.C. He would rather stay in the South, and don’t get me wrong, the South is a great place to live. But once again, I want to go somewhere else. I have been here my whole life. There are 39 other states that I haven’t been to yet. The ones that I have visited have only been for a short period of time.

In May of 2013 I took a trip to Washington D.C. and spent a week exploring the tourist landmarks and doing the tourist thing. I even took a train to Maryland. I felt like there is so much that I am missing out on in not just D.C. but the rest of the country, and even more, I feel like I am missing out on seeing the world.

There are so many things in life that I want to do and see, and I want to do and see them with him. But I am not sure that he wants the same. For almost a decade we have basically planned our lives around each other. For basically half of my life I have envisioned marrying this man. I know that when we grow up that parts of us change, we want different things than what we wanted five, ten, years ago. Have I grown so much that I want something completely different? Have I grown into someone completely different? Am I the same person that he fell in love with? Would I be able to leave him in the South if he doesn’t want to move? Is there a compromise that can be reached? If there is a compromise, does that mean that I’ll have to compromise for the rest of my life? Will he resent me if we move?

There are so many questions!

How does one face all of these questions? How does one find the answers to all of these questions? How does one find the courage to ask these questions?

I close my eyes at night and see fork in the forest. I see one life that I have been visioning for almost ten years. I see the life that I have always pictured with him. I see us moving to another city, getting really good jobs, him proposing, our wedding, his face lighting up when I tell him that I’m pregnant, us growing old together and him still making fun of my small hands and my “cute nose”. I see our whole life together.

Then there is the other road. On that road I see me moving to an unfamiliar city where I don’t know anyone. I see me moving to a city in which no one knows me. I see me living in a tiny apartment because it’s all I can afford. But I also see me taking walks around the city and then suddenly that unfamiliar city doesn’t seem so unfamiliar anymore.

Both roads are filled with obstacles in the way. There is no clear choice in this decision. Trust me, if there was then I wouldn’t be typing this. Hell, I don’t really even know why I am typing this in the first place. It’s therapeutic, I guess.

Even with all of these decisions that I am being faced with, I know I will be ok. My mother raised a strong, independent woman. But right now, that woman is confused and scared. And all she can keep asking herself, more than any other question, is what if she choses wrong? What if she makes the wrong decision?