Vulnerability

Hello readers,

For the eight months I have been doing some in depth “soul searching”. I started this journey because I looked in the mirror one day and I didn’t recognize who was staring back at me. I have always been a private person as far as my feelings go, although you would never know it if you actually meet me.

On the outside I look like I am always happy. I look like I got life figured out, or that I have no worries. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth some days. I hate people seeing me vulnerable. People, now a days, take advantage of people. People are mean. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s the truth.

I was raised to never show weakness or pain. Pain means weak and in my family the word weak is not used. Literally. We are strong, independent, warriors that never let people bother us. I come from a middle-class family. I was raised by a single mom and a father who showed up every now and then. I lived in a trailer for the majority of my life. Got bullied in school. Same story a lot of people have. I’m not ashamed of my childhood, or past, because its what made me to the person I am today.

My family is a tough and military bred. Being the only female in my generation until I was 8, I was raised with my male cousins and older brother. I never got to be a girl for real. I was always trying to be like them. Tough. Adventurous. But boys that age don’t want to hang out with girls. So I started trying to be tougher than them so I could intimidate them into hanging out with me. By intimidate I mean bully. But it didn’t work. I wasn’t tough as a kid.

So, while my brother had all the friends I was sitting in the background figuring out how I can trick myself into not crying. I have become really good at not crying in front of people. I have never gotten along with other females. I can honestly say that I have tried. But it has never worked out for me. I was too girly for the boys, and not girly enough for the other girls. So, from a young age I learned how to hide behind a mask of fake happiness.

I sat by myself all through out elementary school, middle school, and for the majority of high school. Even in college I find myself more alone than not. Now, I had the occasional friend(s) throughout my lifetime. But, like I said before, none of them lasted very long. One day we would be great and then the next day they don’t want to talk to me anymore. Yea, I take the blame for some of them. I know I’m not perfect.  

Other times I am still confused as to what happened. But here I am 22-years-old and I cant think of more than two people who actually fall under the true definition of a friend. Is that sad?

Some people say that I am mean. But if you really get to know me then you know I’m actually a really nice person who just wants to be liked, but I’m not going to walk around asking people to like me. I know that some of the reason why people think that I am mean is because I look like, or act like I don’t care about other people or other things. Which sometimes is true. That is just how I work. I compartmentalize my feelings. At least that is how I choose to see it. But in reality, I know that I hide behind a wall of numbness. I put this figurative wall there so that I can live my life without having to deal with the pain that comes along with reality. Although the pain still gets to me, I refuse to show it. 

I have always thought that if I stayed behind this wall that I can avoid most of the pain, or disappointment, that comes with being a part of this world. Sounds lonely, doesn’t it? Well, it is most days. I thought that keeping the wall up would only protect me from the pain, but I never thought that it would keep away the love and friendships that come along with this life. I always thought that the people who are suppose to be in my life would be able to break down the wall. But, it seems that I was either wrong or that I built a wall that no amount of love or compassion could penetrate.

I am aware that living this way is unhealthy and that in the long run, compressing my feelings will only hurt me more. However, even with knowing this, I can’t find it in myself to allow myself to show weakness, or at least what I consider to be weakness. Sometimes when I feel like I need to cry I hide in my room, behind my walls, and cry by myself. Other times, I can’t even bring myself to do that. Most of the time I swallow my tears and smile because it’s easier, at least to me anyway.

I have lived my whole life feeling numb. When I feel like the reality of my life is too much for me to bear. I’ll read a romance novel and picture my life like it is written on the page. I picture my perfect man showering me with love and romance and I picture my perfect life with him. Then, when the book is over, I am reintroduced to my reality. I come back to my life behind my walls.

But how does one remove a wall that has been there for most of their lives?

How does someone learn to be vulnerable when they have spent their whole life making sure that they aren’t seen that way?

I have been hiding behind this wall for so long that I don’t remember what it feels like not to have it up.

My therapist says that talking about it is the first step. So I guess that is what I am doing now. I mean, lets be honest, I know that there aren’t a lot of people who will read this. There are even fewer who would actually care about me, or my struggles, in life. Everyone has something that they are dealing with. Some people wear their problems on their sleeve. Other, like me, hide behind a wall curled up in a corner crying because loneliness hurts more than reality some days.

Thanks for reading,

Sarah~Beth