The Mask

This is my life.

Well at least a part of it

I was raised to be strong

And win at everything I did.

I am a happy person

Well, at least most days

But then the dark rolls in

And I feel like im stuck in a daze

Perfect has never been a word

To describe my life

Sharp words of hate and anger

Still cut me like a knife.

But as the words continued to come

My skin grew. Thicker. Stronger.

Until the words of hate and anger

Hurt no longer.

But that is just the outside.

What you see is a mask

I am forced to hide my pain

Forever my task

This is my life.

No pain can be shown.

Pain means weak, and in my world

The word weak is not known.

Behind this mask

Is where I have lived for so long

Waiting and hoping

For someone to come along

Some one to see past

This mask that I wear

See the scared little girl

And for her they would care

This is a fantasy

Nothing but a dream

You wont neither see nor hear anything

From the girl behind the mask

Not a laugh

Not a cry

Not even a scream

The mask is my wall

My way of protection

From the lies of the world

Coming from all directions

So for that reason alone

Behind this mask

Is where ill forever

Call home.

For my ladies,

This is for all my ladies out there, 

I am labeled a "Bitch". After being called this more than a few years of my young life, I started to ask myself, "What are the qualifications of being a 'bitch' in today's society?" So I asked a three of my friends, and two acquaintances (those who I know, but only see in class or other public settings) to describe me in five words. 

The most common five words in popularity order were as follows:

 1.Confident

 2.Bitch

 3.Outgoing 

 4.Blunt

 5.Dominate/Intimidating

As I looked at the five labels that my peers attached to me, I started to wonder what did I do, or didn't do, to make them think this of me?

The word "Bitch" stuck out to me the most. I feel as though Most "bitches", or at least the ones I can think of are most, if not all, of these things. 

When I asked them to define the word "bitch", some were confused as to why I was asking for clarity on the meaning. Others seemed scared to answer truthfully. 

Finally, after giving it some thought, one of my friends described a "bitch" as, "She is someone who is comfortable in her own skin and doesn't care what other people have to say. Yet, she is quick to express her opinion, no matter how blunt, disrespectful, or hurtful it might be. They are never sorry for what they say because they are, telling you the hard truth, stating their opinion, and/or 'telling you how it is going to be'. Or in other words, being bossy or assertive. Opinionated kind of sums it up."

Another acquaintances of mine described being a "bitch" as, "Someone who you do not want to piss off. They are good to have as friends because, if true friends, they will always have your back. They stand up for what they believe in, no matter the cost. They have the confidence to back up what they say. They know what they want, and they get it, through force, or in some cases persuasion. They always demand respect, but give theirs sparingly."

The third person I asked this question of said that a "bitch" is, "A female who is not dependent on anyone. She takes care of herself. She portrays confidence, independence, and a determined attitude towards what she wants in life."

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(Notice how all three used the pronoun, "She". Can men not be a "bitch"? Given that the actual definition of the word is used to describe female dogs, in the world of slang, can men not be a "bitch"? What is the male counterpart to being a "Bitch"? Some might say men are, "Assholes" or "Dicks", but do they really mean the same thing?

This got me thinking. I asked another friend of mine, one that did not partake in the first round of questions, if he thought that there was a male word that would be described similar to that of a "Bitch". After reading what my other friends had described as "Bitch traits" He laughed and then said, "If a man was to be all of these things, then other males would probably consider him to be on "Boss Status". 

I asked him to elaborate on what this slang term meant. He told me that a guy on "Boss Status" is a guy who independent, assertive, and will only acknowledge your existence if you teat him with respect." 

Sound familiar?

After all of this I have come to the following conclusion:

When a female is independent, assertive, and demands respect, society defines her as a "Bitch". BUT, when a male is independent, assertive, and demands respect, society labels him a "Man", or in slang terms on "Boss Status". 

I shouldn't have to point out the hypocrisy in this sad conclusion. People are quick to label females who are not afraid to speak their mind, no matter the cost, as "bitches". Yet, after talking with my peer about this one word, I have come to realize that being labeled a "bitch" is now a term that some females want to be called. Some people think that if they are a "bitch" to other people that those people will respect them. 

Being a "bitch" is becoming more and more popular in my generation, both for negative, and surprisingly positive meanings. 

But the hypocrisy that still exists today in the battle for gender equality saddens me. Given that the female gender has come a long way in its struggle for equality, we still have a long way to go! The fight continues! We, as women, should be fighting for our place BESIDE the male gender. 

Notice I have said EQUALITY, not DOMINANCY. It is my belief that neither gender should be superior to the other. 

Whither it is being called a "bitch", or some other slang word, no female should let the labels that society has attached them to define them. 

Although I am not a Christian any more, one of the things I will always remember from bible study is a quote from one of my former pastors, "God did not create Eve from Adams foot. Therefore she is not to be walked on. God did not create Eve from Adams head. Therefore she is not superior to Adam. No. God created Eve from Adams rib. Therefore she walks BESIDE him though out life. Neither Adam nor Eve is superior to one another. They are equal." 

This is a quote that, although probably not verbatim, I will never forget. My mother has taught me to be the strong, independent woman that you see today. She also taught me that I have a voice, and that if that voice is used correctly, it can change the world. So to every female that reads this, I urge you to find a way for your voice to be heard. No matter the topic. I have chosen to use my voice to raise awareness about animal conservation, feminism, and several other things. Find a subject that means something to you, and raise up your voice for it. :) YOUR VOICE MATTERS!!! NEVER let ANYONE tell you any differently. 

Don't be afraid to stand up for what you believe to be right! If someone calls you a "bitch", feel free to use my response to that by looking at the person and saying, "That is QUEEN Bitch to you!" Never forget, every woman is a Queen of her own world. Who you let affect you world, or kingdom, is a choice that you make. 

Chose the people around you wisely, and never settle for less than you deserve. Like my generation says, "Hater gonna hate, but they will always appreciate." In other words there are always going to be someone who dislikes or disagrees with you for whatever reason, but they will always appreciate you, and the presence you had in their life. 

~Sarah-Beth 

Questions

Have you ever thought about what people will say when you’re gone? If you were to die today, what would people say about you? What will people remember about you? Will it be your personality, your selflessness? Or will it be negative? Were you selfish, and always mean? What legacy are you leaving behind? Would anyone want to remember you?

These are the questions I keep asking myself.

What kind of person am I?

Am I a good person? I don’t seem to have a lot of friends. I have one person outside of my family that I know I can count on, and she lives in states away. If I were a better person, wouldn’t I have more friends?

If you look at my life from a stranger’s point of view you would think that I have a lot of friends. I am always talking to people. Smiling. Laughing. But the truth is that those are not my real friends. Those are acquaintances. A lot of people are unaware of the difference between friends and acquaintances.

Friends are the people in your life that you know would be there for you no matter what. No matter the time of day, or where they are, they would drop whatever they were doing to come and help you out.

Acquaintances are the people who will help you, if it’s either A) your last option, B) convenient for them. I have a lot of acquaintances. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think for a second that these people consider me a true friend. I know I am an acquaintance of theirs and I am ok with that.

But out of all the people I know, who will truly remember me? What will they remember me for? Will it be something I did for them, or will it be something negative?

What will be my legacy?

I am 22 years old. What have I accomplished in my short life? Sure, I was a zookeeper at a young age, but I don’t feel as though any of my ex co-workers would even come to my funeral. Given I was there for a short period of time, I would like to think I was memorable, and at least worth being remembered.

What about my college friends?

People at my school know me as a blunt bitch who speaks her mind. Even though I would tell you I find it flattering when people call me a bitch, is that what people will remember about me? That I was mean, or a bitch who wasn’t afraid to hurt your feelings?

A lot of people would say, “If you don’t want to be seen as a bitch, then don’t be one.”

Easier said than done. I have no reason to sugar coat my feelings, or thoughts, that being the reason why I am so blunt. If that makes me a bitch, then so be it. But that’s not who I am. I am a nice, caring, and passionate person. Or so I would like to think.

I act like I don’t care about what people say about me, but it really does matter. I act tough because I cant stand the thought of thinking im weak. I refuse to be weak. My whole life I felt weak. I cared too much about what people thought about me. I wanted to be popular, and have everyone like me. Well when that didn’t happen in high school, I decided that when I got to college I wouldn’t be a push over, or care if anyone liked me.

I hid behind being a bitch. I suppressed my the part of me who cared about anyone other than my immediate family, and myself.

Then I got really sick this past summer. I wont get into the details but while I was sick I started thinking about what would happen if I died. Out of all the people I know, who would miss me?

Last spring Troy University lost four fellow Trojans. All of them were from different walks of life, hung out with different crowds. After everyone at Troy heard about them dying, Troy banned together and held a memorial for them. They will be remembered. The whole school knows their names. What if that was me?

Do I have to die alongside fellow Trojans to be remembered?

Do I have to die tragically?

Now this all may sound very egotistical, but I want to be remembered for something positive.

I want to be remembered by more than just my family. I want to make an impact on this world. I want my life to mean something.

I don’t know what I want to be remembered for, but I know that its not that I was always a bitch.

Being a bitch to everyone, and putting walls up that no one can break down is very depressing, and lonely. I want to have more than one real friend. But I have now lived this life so long, and I have gotten so comfortable behind these walls that I don’t know how to change and bring them down. I am afraid of going back to the girl I was in high school. I don’t want to let myself be that naïve girl who wants to be every ones friend.

I don’t know how to find a happy medium between the two people. This is something I guess I will have to figure out. Some how.

But if you are still reading this, I want you to think about the type of person you are. What do you think you will be remembered for? Who will remember you? If you are happy with who you see in the mirror, I envy you. If you are not, then I challenge you. Try and become someone you would be proud of. This a challenge I am also issuing to myself because you never know how much time you have. 

Stereotypes

Hello again,

I've been thinking a lot about stereotypes lately. Just to give you some perspective as to where I am coming from, I am a Native American/Irish female who has tattoos and dates predominately African American men (although I do not discriminate in any way). So I get my fair share of judgment, "double takes", and whispers behind my back each and every day. But here's my thing, IT IS 2014!  But yet we have still live in a world of stereotypes. Wither it be racist or gender stereotypes, or even sexual stereotypes, we are surrounded by them every day. I don't get it! My mother raised me to love one another not based on the color of their skin, or whose hand they were holding, but to just accept people for who they are as a human being! NO ONE is perfect! We are all humans! Our blood is all the same color. So why do stereotypes exist? Why were they ever invented? Where do they come from? Are we born stereotypical, or is it something we are taught?

In my personal opinion, I think stereotypes, racism, and discrimination, are all a waste of time. Life is short! Why spend what little time we have on this beautiful planet judging our neighbors? Why cant we all just love one another? And why do people raise their children to be as judgmental as they are? I know that some might not see the wrong in being racist or judgmental, but surely by now you can realize that nothing good ever comes from it! All it does is makes that person look bad. So why do it?

Just to give you an example of some of the stereotypes I deal with I have listed below the ones I have come into contact with recently, and not so recently.

I live in the South.

That sentence right there automatically put some kind of stereotype in your head, didn't it.
Yes! Our tea is sweet, but I don't like it. Never have.
Yes! We wear shoes, but sometimes it feels nice to have mud or sand in-between your toes.
NO! We are not a bunch of "lazy hillbillies". We make an honest living working on farms AND in the cities
NO! We are not all "Overly religious bible lovers" Although Christianity is the largest religion in the South, there are A LOT of other religions down here. (i.e. my spirituality of being a Native American)

Here's a short story about southern stereotypes.

I have cousins that live in Chicago, IL. They were born and raised there. Their mother left the South for a better job. Nothing wrong with that. But in 2009, my other cousin Nicole and I flew up to Chicago to spend the beginning of our summer break with them. We leave out out of Birmingham, AL wearing blue jeans, a tank top, and some cowboy boots. The typical outfit you would expect two country girls to be wearing. Well honestly, I have worn my cowboy boots maybe ten times my whole life. I prefer to wear sandals or stilettos. As for my cousin Nicole, this was her every day wear because she worked on a farm. But the outfits were requested by our aunt. Our cousins had friends who had never met anyone outside of Chicago and she thought it would be funny if we showed up to their school to pick them up dressed like two country girls. And it was. But then once our cousins friends came to talk to us, I started to realize that we were just feeding the stereotypes. One of my cousins friends was honestly surprised that we were even wearing shoes! Another one wanted me to different words so she could hear my accent. Which yes, I have one but so does everyone else in America. Just depends on where you're from. People from up North sound just as funny to me as I do to them.

Well that night, my cousins wanted to take us out to a teen club downtown Chicago. Here's where we decided to take the stereotypes of "Country girls don't wear anything but camo" and prove it wrong. As I stated earlier, I love stilettos! And even though she works on a farm, my cousin Nicole can rock a pair as well. So when we were getting ready for the teen club, we put on, what we country folk call a "city dress" and some high-heels. Needless to say, my cousins and their friends were surprised that we, "cleaned up so nicely". One of the friends even said that we looked like we were from Chicago, until we spoke and the accent came out. For the week that we were there, Nicole and I tried to prove to my cousins friends that not all stereotypes are correct. And I believe that we succeeded!

There are so many other stereotypes that are about the South alone. Yes, some of them are accurate for SOME PEOPLE, but not EVERYONE! That's the thing about stereotypes, not everyone that is being put in that category fits in it.

For example, I date black guys.

Once again this statement alone put some sort of stereotype in your mind. Let me elaborate.
This is my preference, but I don't turn down a date from a man of any ethnicity based solely on the color of his skin.

YES! I have dated white guys.
NO! The "once you go black you never go back" saying is NOT true. I don't date them cause they are black. I date them because I believed at that time that we were compatible. But once again I don't discriminate against other races!
NO! We don't date for attention or because we are rebellious against our families.
NO! Not all black guys are "uneducated thugs"

Trell & Sarah~Beth Story.

Trell was the first black guy I ever dated. My first true love. We met online, like most people do these days. After a year of talking online we met for the first time in person and went on our first date. Fast forward six years later, and a lot of hard times in-between, Trell and I have been on again, off again for years. As of now we are not together due to distance, but we still talk everyday and are still very much in love with each other. Even while he is serving in Afghanistan we talk every day, and in some ways we plan our lives together. Need less to say, both sides of our families had their supporters of our relationship, and our not so happy people. My aunt and uncle, for instance, both believe that Trell isn't good enough for me. And when asked why, all they have to say is that I should find a "nice, white country boy". Trell has been nothing but respectful to our family, yet they both believe the stereotypes of today's African American society and hold that against him. Both have even gone so far as to say, "You can marry him, but he will never be apart of the family."All of those hateful words because of stereotypes. My own flesh and blood are against me in my decision to be with the man I love.

Then you have the up side of the family. My mother, brother, father, siblings, step-parents, grandmothers, and cousins are all for the freedom to marry and be with whom ever you choose. They are supportive of mine and Trells relationship. My mother has even called him son on numerous occasions. He has been with our family in times of celebration, and in times of mourning. Most of my family can see past the color of Trells skin, and see his true colors of his character and the way he loves and treats me. So there are some cases where stereotypes don't matter to most of the people around you, but it only takes a few to put a damper on your heart. Stereotypes are not just words that don't mean nothing. You never know just how painful your stereotypes or racist words truly hurt.


There are so many other stereotypes out there. These are just two that I experience the most. But the bottom line of this whole post is that stereotypes, racism, and discrimination are something that we should never take part in. They do no one any good. If you have to put some one down to make yourself feel better, then I suggest you go to counseling. It is 2014 people. Lets teach the generation now and the ones before and after us that no mater the color of our skin, or where we are from, defines us. We are all imperfectly perfect humans. We all have our flaws. So why judge someone, when you are not perfect yourself? Think about that next time you come in contact with a stereotype. Lets make today a better tomorrow.

Peace & Love
Sarah~Beth

My college journey...thus far

January 10, 2011. 

This is a day that I will never forget. This is the day that I moved into my first dorm as a freshman in college. My whole life had been leading up to this new chapter in my book of life. So many emotions came over me that day. Excitement, I was finally moving to college! Frustration because I didn't know how in the world I was going to pack, or should I say shove, all my stuff into two cars. Sadness when I said good bye to my mom and sister as they left to go back home. But most of all an indescribable feeling that I got when i realized that i was finally here. College! 

Now, May 7, 2014

I have been in college now for three years. Let me tell ya something. I have met some of the most amazing people, gone through some of the toughest times, all in all finding who I am as a person. That is what college is about right? Finding yourself, your calling per say. I can honestly say that I have done that. Although my college chapter has not come to an end yet (fifth year senior bound) During my journey through college thus far i have learned so much about myself. I know the true meaning of work hard, party harder, sleep less, live more. These are the years where I can make mistakes and learn from them. Skip class if I dont feel like getting dressed in the morning. Wearing short shorts just to watch the guys drool and wish they had a chance. Staying up till 2 AM in the library and then trying to leave, only to find out that it closed at 12. (yea, really happened) Learning about different cultures, and so much more. Even though i have had my fair share of rainy days during college, I prefer to look at the better side of things.   

I know that I have friends who have my back, I have family who will always be there for me, as well as a boyfriend that means the world to me! At this moment in time I could not be happier! 

Till the next time,

May The Great Spirits bless you,

~*Sarah-Beth*~